From Cake Wrecks, a blog of beautifully and hilariously woeful cakes, photos of the many (yes, many) ways to misspell “Happy Birthday” – This one’s my favorite:
“Sometimes you can tell just by looking at a cake the exact moment when the decorator got distracted and had to take a break.”
Does that say, “Happy Bipthday Ashlev” to you, too?
More Happy Birthday, however you splel it. And even more here.
One of the many reasons why I adore Connie Willis: she introduced me to “crash blossoms,” a new term for linguistic misfirings a la the headline: “Violinist linked to JAL crash blossoms”.
A few of my favorites:
Bridge Held Up By Red Tape
Gator Attacks Puzzle Experts
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Scientists Are at Loss Due to Brain-eating Amoeba
US Eyes Boom in Nuclear Reactors
Jessica Hahn Pooped After Long Day Testifying
McDonald’s Fries the Holy Grail for Potato Farmers
Milk Drinkers Turn to Powder
Pastor Aghast at First Lady Sex Position
British Left Waffles on Falklands
From an article on Good Is:
“Crash blossoms are a variation of ‘garden path sentences,’ a type of sentence that leads the reader into grammatical or logical sinkholes that were not intended.”
The article goes on to quote a research paper that challenged “the fundamental assumption in psycholinguistics that comprehension is based on the creation of full, accurate, and detailed representations. It appears, instead, that people work on sentences until they reach a point where it subjectively makes sense to them and then processing may cease.”
I was asked by John DeNardo to weigh in on the forum Mind Meld, hosted by SF Signal. The topic? Favorite Genre Crossovers. Part of the fun is that I don’t know who else will weigh in, or what they’ll say. Here’s what I said:
When a novel or a movie is marketed as horror, or as science fiction, or any other recognizable genre, you expect that it’ll do what it says on the tin. You know how a romantic comedy will end: if it’s being billed as a “date movie,” whatever else happens, the romance will resolve happily. But if a work is trying to appeal to kids AND adults, or men AND women, or people who like strongly-plotted genre fiction AND people who like deeply meaningful, atmospheric literary fiction, there’s a real possibility that the work is going to run into interference. Because most people know what they DON’T like — and they stay out of the children’s section of the bookstore or library, or the romance section, or the science-fiction section.
Here’s a few works that manage to do more than one thing at a time:
WHITE SANDS, RED MENACE by Ellen Klages (Viking) is a sophisticated, award-winning historical novel about friendship and being different and the relationships between kids and parents; it’s about science and growing up and the morality of war. And while it isn’t directly a science fiction novel, it’s a novel ABOUT science fiction, steeped in science fiction’s concern for the future, and sprinkled with Easter egg references to pulp science fiction stories. It’s also accessible to nine-year-olds.
Shaun Tan’s TALES FROM OUTER SUBURBIA (Scholastic) is a short story collection and an art book and a fantasy book. It’s marketed for ages 12 and up, and the NY Times Book Review said (about Tan’s picture book THE ARRIVAL) that readers will be motivated to “seek out any future graphic novels from Shaun Tan, regardless of where they might be shelved.” (The subtext of this is that normal adults shouldn’t be dinking around in the children’s section, or wherever Tan is shelved, but that they can make an exception here.)
Disney’s WALL-E was utterly brilliant until the people came along, and then it was still pretty darn good. It’s meant to appeal to all ages, with robots, show tunes, adventure, mystery, romance, some complicated emotional truths about loneliness and love, if-this-goes-on cultural commentary, and a happy, redemptive ending.
The secret, I think, to the successful crossover work is that it manages to appeal to multiple audiences WITHOUT the multiple conflicting genre markers chasing people away. When family and friends tell me they like my first novel — even though it’s got zombies — it’s a compliment and an unintentional ding at the same time: kind of like saying, “You look GREAT for your age.” There is a real joy, though, in surprising people with something they had already decided they didn’t like.
Check out the full discussion: SF Signal Mind Meld: Favorite Genre Crossovers
Still catching up with travel photos: ICFA was great, as ever. Meetings and meals with friends including James Patrick Kelly, Gary K. Wolfe, Peter Straub, Andy & Sydney Duncan, John Kessel & Kij Johnson, Ellen Klages, Brett Cox & Jeanne Beckwith, Mark R. Kelly, Russell Letson, Nalo Hopkinson & David Findlay, Ted Chiang, Joe & Gay Haldeman, Rusty Hevelin, and Farah Mendlesohn. Nalo’s Guest of Honor speech was powerful and angry and funny and brilliant. A full conference report with photos will be in the May issue of Locus.
A few photos:
![Amelia Beamer signing her very first ARC, for James Patrick Kelly [photo by Gay Haldeman] small 2010](http://www.ameliabeamer.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Amelia-Beamer-signing-first-ARC-Gay-Haldeman-small-2010.jpg "Signing my very first ARC, for James Patrick Kelly [photo by Gay Haldeman] small 2010")
Above: Signing my very first ARC, for James Patrick Kelly (photo by Gay Haldeman)
Ellen Klages and I jump into the pool without swimsuits, per ICFA tradition (photo by Andy Duncan)
Finally got a minute and two brain cells to rub together. Here are a few shots from my recent trip to NYC, of my good-looking friends and me, plus an advertisement I just had to photograph.
Above: Peter Straub, Amelia Beamer, Jeremy Lassen (photo by Gary K. Wolfe)
Above: Joe Monti, Jeremy Lassen, Amelia Beamer (photo by Ellen Datlow)
“Still eating brains? We can help.”
I just had an astonishingly friendly and non-invasive customer service experience — except for one question. “Would you recommend AT&T to your family and friends?”
(I had finally decided to buy a smart phone. Not that I don’t love my dumb phone, but that it was time to move on.)
After close to an hour or so of intelligent, honest conversation and show-and-tell — wherein my customer service rep Mark asked me if I’d ever worked for AT&T, and then invited me to apply — I buy the phone. Then Mark tells me, “There’s a question on the survey AT&T will send you, asking you if you’ll recommend AT&T to family and friends. What it actually means is, how well did I, Mark, do? If you put less than five stars out of five, my manager takes me aside and wants to know why. So please, if you’re going to put less than five stars, tell me now what I should do differently.”
I am struck by this move by AT&T which is brilliant in a terrible way. “So you’re actually guilt-tripping me,” I tell Mark. “You’re obligated to guilt-trip me.”
Mark gives me a look of gratitude. He brings his manager (who’s half his age) over, and the manager gives me the same explanation about what the question really means, and I ask the manager if there’s a way to get AT&T to change the question. Because I don’t respond well to guilt trips in general, but what’s brilliant about this question is that AT&T can apply whatever interpretation they want to that question. As far as the board members and stockholders are concerned, we all WOULD recommend AT&T to friends and family, because, hell, we SAID we would.
We have the attention of several employees by now. They’re all asking me to tell AT&T, since they, the employees, don’t have the power to, and every one of these employees are obligated to guilt-trip their customers.
I’ve been with AT&T since I got a cell phone, and it’s mostly been good to me. But would I recommend it? The question remains.
Thanks again to Mark and the whole crew at AT&T on Lakeshore!
John Shirley, Lisa Goldstein, Amelia Beamer, Terry Bisson
I was pleased to be invited to appear on a panel about politics and science fiction at CounterPULSE, a non-profit art/theater/community space in San Francisco, on March 24, sponsored by PM Press. Terry Bisson was moderator, and Lisa Goldstein, John Shirley, Terry and I talked to and with a large group of very well-read people (who came out on a school night!) asking intelligent questions about, say, how the field transitioned between the New Wave and Cyberpunk. Politics is a big enough topic (as is science fiction) that there is room to go in all sorts of directions, and while it is traditional when talking about SF to bemoan the imminent end of books, the depth of reading displayed by the audience was a great reassurance that there are still readers. A podcast is being prepared through CounterPULSE.
So this is my first novel, and while I’ve been in the biz for years (before I worked for Locus I worked for Clarion East, back when it was at Michigan State University), I’m not entirely jaded enough that I don’t still have a lot of hopes and fears. Herewith some things that make me nervous*:
Inspiring someone to manufacture the zombie apocalypse by creating a nasty spore/bug/space ray/whatever.
Being blamed when the zombie apocalypse does finally happen.
Stalkers that send me pictures of bonsai kittens.
Getting rich and famous.
Not getting rich and famous.
Having my grandmother read the book. (I think she’s as afraid of this as I am.)
Having friends and family recognize bits of conversation and character that I’ve cannibalized. Yes, I stole your jokes. No, you can’t have them back.
Bad Amazon reviews. Everyone gets bad Amazon reviews.
Small mammals, including rabid squirrels, dead bats, and live skunks (this doesn’t have anything to do with the novel; I just seem to have to call Animal Control every year). Also, we kicked a squirrel out of the Locus office this afternoon. Fortunately it was more afraid of us than we were of it.
Not spending enough time on my next project because I’m looking after this one.
The construction of the new Bay Bridge which will rapidly make my novel out of date.
The possibility that there is no way zombies can be sexy.
Being too honest.
Not being honest enough.
*This post is a result of a conversation with my good friend Liz Gorinsky.
While, uh, researching whip techniques and injuries for my novel, I ran across this video by this guy named Adam and his eight-foot kangaroo David Morgan bullwhip. It’s a good little tutorial.
If Chuck Palahniuk and Christopher Moore had a zombie love child, it would look like THE LOVING DEAD, a darkly comic debut novel.
Read the first four chapters of THE LOVING DEAD, gratis. Zombies, flirting, drugs, and sex: it's all there.
What people are saying:
"THE LOVING DEAD is funny, profane, and more than a little bit squicky, a worthwhile and perceptive addition to a pop culture fad that won't seem to lie down and stay dead." -- Michael Berry, San Francisco Chronicle
"In Beamer's world, Eros and Thanatos are a lot more than just Facebook buddies. And that raises some difficult relationship issues." -- Elizabeth Hand, The Washington Post
"From start to finish, this novel is a true page-turner." --Fangoria
"This story is one of the best 'Patient Zero' -- damn close to it -- tales since NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. Before you get your panties in a bunch, I'm not saying Ms. Beamer has unseated Romero.... I urge even the staunchest traditionalist (of which I tend to lean towards) to pick up this book. -- T.W. Brown, Buyzombie.com
"THE LOVING DEAD is about learning who you truly care about in a broken world." -- Fred Cleaver, The Denver Post
"Beamer's version of zombiehood is still about eating brains -- and just about any other portion of the human anatomy -- but she foregrounds what has, until now, mostly been the erotic subtext of the genre.... Beamer's zombies hunger for us -- and we lust for them. It's the perfect symbiotic relationship." -- Paul Witcover, Realms of Fantasy
"Looking for an original zombie novel with some real literary weight? Seek out and read Amelia Beamer's debut novel. You'll never look at the undead the same way again." -- Paul Goat Allen, BN.com
"Blood, guts, and sex intermingle in this stylish debut... an entertaining and original take on the zombie apocalypse." -- Publishers Weekly
"THE LOVING DEAD is really kind of hot, in a very creepy way. Read it. You know you'd love you some sweet zombie sumpin' sumpin'. Buy it, bitches! Ride this zombie Zeppelin of love like there's no tomorrow." -- Christopher Moore, author of LAMB and A DIRTY JOB
"In THE LOVING DEAD, Amelia Beamer gives us a zombie novel like none other. Crisp, smooth and stylish, it zips along from scene to scene, accumulating tension, humor and insight as it accelerates. It is also comic and sexy, a combination I find irresistible." -- Peter Straub, author of A DARK MATTER
"Zombies are all over the place right now, but trust me, you've NEVER read a zombie novel like this! Amelia Beamer's THE LOVING DEAD is about zombies, all right, but it's zombies with Xanax, zeppelins, Trader Joe's, iPhone apps, sex, humor, adventure, NPR, IKEA, and Indiana Jones! It's a rollercoaster ride of a read and a true original!" -- Connie Willis, author of BLACKOUT.
"The stiffest nipples in the history of zombie horror fiction jut defiantly from the pages of THE LOVING DEAD, Amelia Beamer's eye-popping fornicopia of laughs, provocation and mayhem. Yes, it's all fun and games till the emotional hammer comes down. You may walk in with a hard-on, but you won't come out unscathed. Let me state this very clearly: I fucking love this brilliant book. For those of us who care about the burgeoning New Zombie literature, and the powerful cultural metaphors it contains, THE LOVING DEAD is a pivotal work." -- John Skipp, author of THE BRIDGE and THE LONG LAST CALL
"THE LOVING DEAD is a Grand Guignol extravaganza, appallingly vivid and unrelentingly suspenseful. Though definitely not a book for little kids, mature readers won't be able to put it down until they get to the last page." -- Tim Powers, author of DECLARE and THE ANUBIS GATES
"'Zombie' and 'romance' might be the last two words you expect to hear together, but Amelia Beamer's page turner offers just that -- and in addition illustrates how if you're serious about fighting zombies you've got to have the right phone apps. THE LOVING DEAD is a contemporary romp chock-full of bawdy sex and humor." -- Brian Evenson, author of LAST DAYS and FUGUE STATE
"Amelia Beamer's THE LOVING DEAD is strange, sick, sexy and scary. It's also wickedly funny and a damn good read." -- Jonathan Maberry, multiple Bram Stoker Award winning author of THE DRAGON FACTORY and PATIENT ZERO
"Promising young writer Amelia Beamer delivers plenty of requisite zombie gore and sex, but adds well-observed characters you get involved with, plus a kink ending that makes you glad she did." -- Cecelia Holland, critically acclaimed historical novelist and author of THE WITCHES' KITCHEN and VARANGER
"If you like raunchy comedy with whips, brains, and zombies, this is the book for you." -- Mario Acevedo, author of WEREWOLF SMACKDOWN
"Dark Fantasy's most audacious new talent answers the question on every reader's mind: What happens when the Undead discover iPhone apps and Trader Joe's?" -- Terry Bisson, critically acclaimed author of THE PICKUP ARTIST
"THE LOVING DEAD is a book that quivers with exquisite contradiction. It is at once sexy and horrific, hilarious and heartbreaking, ruthless and tender. Yes, this is a zombie novel but it is one of the very few I have ever read that has a real ending. If you like your fiction dark as midnight but lit by lightning bolts of emotion, Amelia Beamer awaits your pleasure." -- James Patrick Kelly, Nebula award winning author of BURN
"THE LOVING DEAD is that rare zombie story that manages to remember the human aspect that makes the living dead so terrifying. It's modern, witty, and funny as hell without crossing the line into parody, and it makes the question of 'how will you survive the zombie apocalypse' seem all that more important. Plus, how many zombie stories manage to feature Trader Joe's, iPhone applications, a Zeppelin, Alcatraz, and make it all make sense? Truly an awesomely wild ride." Mira Grant, author of FEED
"Who knew zombies could be so damn sexy? In THE LOVING DEAD, Amelia Beamer crafts a tale that is thrilling, at times raunchy, and all the while thoroughly entertaining. A unique and original take on the shambling, and in Beamer's eyes, bump-and-grinding, dead." Roger Ma, author of THE ZOMBIE COMBAT MANUAL: A GUIDE TO FIGHTING THE LIVING DEAD
"In Amelia Beamer's debut novel, you will quickly find yourself enamored with a variety of things and places and people -- Alcatraz, Trader Joe's, the dead and the living -- that you would have never imagined yourself loving before reading this funny, sexy zombie love story. And what's more, you will discover that the dead love you back. What more can you ask for in a novel? Read it and weep. No, read it and love. Love the loving dead back. They deserve it." -- Christopher Barzak, author of ONE FOR SORROW
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